Samples of the Matter

Laid Back and Easygoing

2008-08-25T23:46:00.000-07:00

I used to tell everyone I knew that, when it came to life, one day at a time was the way to play it. I would never worry about what came next because if it wasn't in front of me it didn't have to do with me. For all intents and purposes my outward exterior exuded that very vibe. Still does for the most part, but I am starting to feel a fray at the edges, big questions and future prospects are charging straight at me and they demand answers. I don't know what to tell them, I wish I did. I wish in some very simple part of my being that I was just like my brother, who knew that he wanted to be a chef before spending one minute in college, then got married had a kid bought a house and a car, figured out his whole life without taking a breath. And for about two seconds that was me, the plan was solid and unshakable, I'm not sure what happened, let's just call it a divergence. The result of which is me at 26 not having a fucking clue where I'm going to be at 46 or even 36. Yes, I hear the voices saying "Don't worry it's all going to work out, you have a ton of support and you will never falter...your too good/smart/adjective". But I also hear the voice that says "YOU ARE A FAILURE AND YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO AMOUNT TO ANYTHING, JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER!" I see college as a first step as do most people, but it's also a step that should have been completed by now. I also find myself faltering mid-stride wondering if I'm going to set my foot in quicksand, or on solid ground, and for the most part I like to tell myself that I don't care, but I do because others do, and if there's one credo with which I have lived most my life it's to make others happy.

Look, I know I'm not unique in any of this but I have to say it because otherwise I think there is a part of me that won't see it. I guess I'll just have to see what happens and hope that my best is good enough.

Metamorphosis

2008-07-28T00:50:00.000-07:00

Right now I am reading a book called "The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao", and I know I've talked about this before, but the title character was me, I mean aside from being morbidly obese and Dominican he is my twin. I hesitate to say that he "was" me though, granted in high school I was the friendless, dateless, loser that this boy encompasses and was for quite a while after high school, but I like to think that I came into another phase of my life when i got the hell out from under the influence of my own suffocating shadow. When I reached Corvallis it was far from a miracle, because I remained the same person I was before I left Portland, shy, reserved, and still quite dorky looking. I slowly changed though, growing out my hair, gaining a few tattoos I even got a girlfriend that likes me and whom I adore (an extremely new concept to me). Yet with all this change I have to notice the fact, that when left to my own devices, I am still quite alone, shy and dorky. Now why is this, I am a fairly outgoing person when warmed up, how come I can't find that state and remain in it forever. Sure, my outward appearance looks a lot like I feel it should, which is also a unknown and likable concept, but that only makes me slightly less unwieldy when hanging out with the blessed masses that I search for friendship from. I still mutter, I still am terrible at confrontation (which is huge in the land of frat), and I still think that everyone is better than me (which just makes failing at this fit better).
I don't know maybe this is all just a self-fulfilling prophecy, maybe I need to accept that this is who I am and be happy with that, maybe I have a ton of friends just waiting for me to get to my next phase. I guess I'll see when I get there.

(Watch This Space)

Foodies and Fermies

2008-07-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

Now, before coming to OSU's food science department to learn about brewing I was asked many times what exactly I'd be learning. "Don't people brew all the time at home, what's going to make you different from them? a degree?". Well, yes, but there is oh so much more to brewing than the stuff that home-brewers do, I should know I'm on of them. When you go for a fermentation science degree brewing is just the over-arcing theme. You start out with a solid and sturdy base in organic chemistry and physics, then you move to microbiology, both for food and alcoholic beverages. Biochemistry and QA (quantitative analysis) are also part of the program, and this is where the roads diverge slightly. If you want to be a foodie, and formulate flavors and invent better ways for the world to eat or package or analyze their food you go to the food engineering and packaging and micro and law classes. If you want to be a fermie and make better and more interesting wine, beer, cheese, spirits, breads, fuels, coffees, plus a multitude of other products and processes, you begin taking brewing science classes and some horticulture if your more into wine. Now I know this all sounds like a wonderful way to live your life making people happy through good food and spirits but believe me these classes are not for the stupid or squeamish it will change the way you look at all food and not always for the good. I have a passion for beer and I am gaining knowledge to pursue that passion, I may never be rich (most brewers are actually pretty poor), but I will have a smile on my face and a mug in my hand and I can't think of anything better...besides being debt free maybe.

WoW!

2008-07-10T12:28:00.000-07:00

Oh the World of Warcraft, she is a fickle mistress and one I have been trying to successfully abandon for the last 3 years. I manage to stay away for only a few short months before running back into her vice-like grip.
Now for those of you that had written off MMORPG's (massively multiplayer online role playing games) in general or the World of Warcraft (WoW) in particular as just a haven for socially inept nerds and misfits, you would be right it is that, but it is also a lot more. This is a game that has millions of people playing world wide, people meet new friends, and in some cases future spouses. The amount of time people put into this game is, I admit, a little scary and people have been known to get fired over it, I myself have missed at least a few days of work because of it, but there is just so much to do!
Let me give you an overview if you still have no idea what I'm talking about. This is an online game in which you create a character and watch that character grow as you fight all manner of man and beast, you are able to choose a profession (some sort of artisan) and a class (defines your fighting style and skills) This character can look however you want and takes whatever name you give it (as long as it's not already taken) You can fish and cook and mine and craft to your hearts content, or you can fight either alone or with friends. As you level up you get stronger and get better equipment. There are other people that are playing the game that you can kill or that can kill you (PvP). Now all of this isn't quite as dry as I'm making it sound if your going to get the full experience you have to play for yourself. But don't say I didn't warn you, if you find that you like it the game can be as addictive as crack.

Happy Hunting!

Corvallis

2008-07-05T23:33:00.000-07:00

I love the town that I currently inhabit, though when I first came here I have to admit it was everything I hated about a small town. Idyllic, non-diverse, not nearly gritty enough and full of people I didn't know. Over the course of the subsequent years though I grew to really like and yes even to love this delightful little hamlet. I got into a group of friends that I like hanging out with, it is very bike and pedestrian friendly, there is some amazing beer and wine and food in town, the music scene is kind of surprising at times, and even though it is a small town you can find a comfortable bit of anonymity if you look hard enough. All these things were a wonder to discover with friends and while alone, I have to admit that I will miss Corvallis when I eventually leave it for my first love of Portland, but I have a feeling that the lazy days I've found here in this small town will never really leave me and someday when I'm standing on the corner of Broadway and Burnside I'll get a little flashback to a warm day with a cold beer and a good book, sitting in a hammock with a great person lightly dozing right next to me.

Narcissism and ME!

2008-06-30T23:01:00.000-07:00

I never realized how much of a narcissist I really was until I started reading this graphic novel "Shortcomings" for a lit. class I have. I was seeing myself in almost everything the main character did, it was literally like holding a mirror, though in this mirror I'm a 30 year old Asian man who lives in Berkeley. He was saying the same things and doing the same things, and then I came to another realization, I'm kind of an asshole. Seriously I don't know why people put up with me sometimes. If I were my friends I would slap me then walk away and find someone a little less snobbish. But we're getting off subject this is about me not my friends...I have seen myself in other people as well, mostly when it comes to TV or movie or book characters, like just about the entire cast of "Six Feet Under", and Victor in some of Sherman Alexie's "The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven", and the kool-aid guy (I don't break down as many walls but I love to say "OOOOHH YEAH!"), ok that last one maybe not so much.
I also see myself in my friends and those around me, definitely in my family and I hate to say it but I might be rubbing off on some very well intentioned people, if you think this is you run for the hills.
I have to say that this normally is a bad thing and indeed for most of these cases it is also bad, but I have to admit it makes me appreciate the trials that all of you go through inside, mostly because I am going through them too, and we may not see them the same or react to them the same, but I think a little empathy can go a long way.
Please though the next time I start talking about myself and you don't want to hear it please tell me. I will try to shut up...I promise.

PS. I know I made myself a list of things to explain when I started this bout of blog, and I will get to each in time just be patient.

Jeff

Interview

2008-06-27T13:02:00.000-07:00

1. If you were part of the cast of BG, what would be your role?

Well since I can't act I would probably be one of the background characters that got to say something intense and interesting every once in a while. "The engines have gone out and the Cylons are closing in..." then they cut to commercial.

2. A life of utter boredom or a life of stress?

I eat stress for breakfast (usually with a little ketchup), and boredom just sucks so...

3. If you had 2 weeks to take a vacation with unlimited funds, but it was the last time you got to travel for the rest of your life....what would you do for those 2 weeks?

Tough one, do I try and see everything I can or do I find the perfect place for me and make it the best two weeks of my life? I think I would find a middle ground, spend an amazing couple of days in several places I've always wanted to go. Bangkok, Dublin/Belfast, Munich, Sicily, Athens, Tokyo, Montreal, New York/Boston, Antigua, Buenos Aires...That is probably to much. I guess I would also have to use my funds to invent teleportation, cuts down on travel time.

4. Too hot or too cold?

Definitely to hot, I hate being cold, and there is something about the claustrophobic nature of heat that is oddly comforting to me.

5. 6 or 9

Well I know someone picked 9 already so I guess that makes me 6.

Now if you are reading this for the first time, here's the deal, if you want to be interviewed just ask I will give you 5 questions and you post your answers. It's that easy!

All Apologies

2008-06-27T01:23:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry, that last post was terrible, sometimes I fancy myself as a poet and I'm never very good at it...No that's not true, I always fancy myself as a poet.

I hate feeling sorry for myself, and yet I think it's the only thing I know how to do better than average at. I know that I have good things going for me, but I can never seem to see them through the fog of bad. I am always so frustrated with my future that I can never see my present...

What I really need to do is stop blogging in a quiet house at one in the morning after watching "Six Feet Under".

I promise that the next post will be happy, at least a little.

Synergy

2008-06-27T00:58:00.000-07:00

She smiled at the new born baby that wasn't hers
She laughed at the misfortune that was
She cried to see that she could
She wondered why the life she chose was not her own
She saw the betrayal and continued on
She danced and demanded more than those others
She whined often though meant it little
She depended on those that were weak
She talked and traveled and loved and loved
She won
She lost
She feared
She's fearless

He smiled at things hidden from sight
He laughed at things that should have been
He cried but really he didn't
He wondered why the choices never came
He was the betrayal and continued on
He sang and shook the dice of his life
He whined to himself and meant it always
He depended on those that were strong
He waited and watched and lied and lied
He lost
He lost
He cared
He's careless

Is it life

2008-06-25T01:06:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be to serious for anyone, so if you don't like to find anything personal in a public place, like watching a happy couple kiss or even an unhappy couple fight please don't watch this space. for the most part it is going to be a place where I tell everyone that's reading (all two of you) what I am doing with my life and for the most part it will be happy and acceptable to the general public. Though, to be honest I am not always happy or acceptable to the general public and I don't really care if it makes others uncomfortable when I express that. So, that being said I want to share this.

I am not sure I know how to connect with those around me. I have never been a very outgoing person and for the longest time the one word people would use to describe me is shy even if given a full page for remarks. I know this, I am quiet, and reserved a lot of the time and cannot really be outspoken or friendly to others without some kind of drug be it alcohol or seratonin. For the longest time I was against admitting this was my fault, blaming it for the most part on my broken home and mildly non-intimate family. I have grown enough in the last few years to realize that I have all the responsibility when it comes to the impression I make on others lives and for that matter my own. I have relatively recently found someone who can stand me for more than a few minutes at a time and have rewarded that wonderful person with the stockpile of shit that I usually just describe as my baggage. I know she deserves my best efforts and there are so many hours of every day that I wish, with every fiber of my being that I can give those efforts to her. Those so many hours are not all hours though, and the rest have me wrapped up in my own self loathing and destruction. I used to think it was just inevitable, that I was going to end up like my father no matter what I did. Though again, I see that that recently recovering fuck up has enough of his own problems to be troubled with my steaming pile. I don't know where to go from here, I don't know who to see or what to say, I don't know if there is anything I can do to become the man that I need to be without becoming the man I'm afraid of most. I have loved ones, I have friends, I have a future and god help me I have a past, I need to find both a present I can live with and a self that is me.

Free beer for all the hashers...

2008-06-24T12:59:00.000-07:00

Hashing. This is a subject for me that there is just too much to write about in one blog, but I'll attempt to bring those of you into the light that have been in the dark for so long.
Hashing is an internationally popular group of drinkers with a running problem. I am not kidding, there is a group in just about every major city around the world (though small in some and dormant in others). It was started by a group of Brits in Malaysia in the 30s whom lived in a house dubbed the "Hash House". The basic idea is that a few runners run ahead (hares) and set a trail with flour for the rest of the pack to follow (Harriers, Harriettes). Now the trail can go anywhere and do anything, the pack doesn't know where they're going and must figure out the mystery of the marks. There are check marks that tell the harriers the trail can go anywhere from that point so people tend to spread out and check all directions calling out if they find true trail ("On-On") or if they're still looking ("checking") those lazy harriers in the back call out "are you" to find out where those that are checking are. I know it sounds slightly confusing and sometimes it is, but that confusion adds to the fun and we all eventually get to the end of trail anyway. The checks come in many forms, there are boob checks and wanker checks thus called because that's usually what you tend to see at those checks before either all the bimbos or all the wankers go looking for true trail. The most important checks though, and the reason for the whole run to begin with is the beer check or BC, here the group stops and drinks however many beers the hares put out for the group, sometimes these checks are in bars, sometimes they are just really well hidden somewhere on trail, but you have never seen a happier hasher than the one that comes to a BC after a long first leg of a trail it's like Christmas to them. There are alot of other marks that you'll see on trail though I think I've told you enough already, all you need to know is that there is singing rejoicing and drinking/eating at the end and if you join your local hash group you really will meet some of the funnest people you have ever met, morally depraved and amazingly debauched.
A little more on that last line, all songs for the hash are dirty, all hashers are dirty for that matter. The songs go from mild to disgusting and offensive and I love every single one of them. Also there are names...oh the names. When a hasher comes to their first few hashes they are called Just "..." so I was Just Jeff. As soon as that person (aka the Virgin) does something stupid or silly or weird enough to be named they are given a funny name that they hate (at first) and dubbed that for the rest of their hashing career. I am Dick for Short and that is a really tame name comparatively. You'll see when hashers introduce themselves for the first time there is usually a lot of shocked virgins.

So there you are, a very basic rundown of what goes on at a hash, hope to see you out at the next one, but don't say I didn't warn ya.

ON~ON
DFS

Back...

2008-06-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been a long time since I've done this, though as I think there was a very minimal amount reading this blog to begin with I am sure my absence went completely unnoticed. Anyway, I am back and plan to keep up on this fairly regularly though if I fall of the face of the planet again don't be surprised. I had a few things happen to me since we last talked so I'll just hit the high points here and elaborate on the rest a little further down the road:
Corvallis
OSU
Fermentation
Home-brewing
Friends
Best Friends
Girlfriends
Drinking
Hashing
Playing
Running
Reading
Writing
Hammocks
Clothes
Labs
Food
Beer
Wine
Sex
Disc Golf
Poor
Failure
Success
Birthdays
Flours
Vessels
Bikes
Karaoke
MegaTouch
Great Music
Dancing
Tests
McMenamins...

Bananas, Thank you, goodnight.

123...123

2006-08-22T13:58:00.000-07:00

Dancing scares the crap out of me. I just want to get that out in the open. I was born with two left feet and some sort of palsy that only affects me when I reach a dance floor. My balance is as screwy as my short term memory and I don't know how to fix it. That being said, I have a couple of weddings to attend in the near future, and a very beautiful date to accompany me to all of them. I am going to dance at at least one of them, and my chest is getting tight just thinking about it. But I am. Not because of guilt, not because of shame, not even because of some morbid curiousity. Though those are all excuses that may be given if pressed for an answer. I know why I am going to dance with this gorgeous woman, and I hope that she does too. You all will just have to guess.

Rockstar! But not really...

2006-08-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

I have been born and raised in portland. Normally that would mean I'd be able to show someone all the cool nightspots, all the cities little quirks and wonders. It doesn't. I enjoy coming downtown and gorging myself on the sights, sounds, weirdos and microbrews. Though I don't do it that often because my group of friends up until recently has been very insular, also...I'm poor. But last night I enjoyed a very Portland, ritual. The trial by FIRE and doughnut.

I love karaoke, but most of the time when I'm singing karaoke it's in a small bar, in front of drunken friends, following a guy who just hamfisted Cher's "Gypsies, tramps, and thieves". So when my cousin offered to go with me to Karaoke from Hell I thought "why not?". I'll tell you why not.

First, when you sing, you sing with a live band. Second, the audience is looking for a Show. Third, the guy you follow is the emcee's friend and just nailed "Sweet Child O' Mine". So when I climbed the steps to do my shoddy rendition of "Mary Jane's Last Dance", my microbrew was gurgling in a very macro way.

I got through it, though I slipped on a few of the lyrics, the band is a great help assisting whenever possible with timing and rhythm. So having completed the fire portion of the nights activities I followed Ted over to Voodoo Doughnut, for some fresh baked goodness, and I have to say that it was much easier to handle the "magic in the hole" than Dante's bright lights.

I've done it!

2006-08-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

I have finally cracked the loop that is Flickr.com. I was, for several weeks, unable to login to my account, because of a strange loop in the security system between Yahoo! and Flickr. It would tell me that my e-mail address I was using to sign in with was attached to a Yahoo account, but Yahoo denied ever having known me. I was cast adrift in the file sharing community and my photos were left to there own devices. So I created another account and tried again thus confusing my friends and marking myself as a technological retard. My new account was also seperated from my clumsy grasp when the same error occured again.

But yesterday, after a thoroughly tiring bike ride, and a mild (but determined) spat of sit-ups, I went to my computer under a haze of delirium and figured it all out. I will not bore you with the details (mostly because I think I blacked out in the middle there somewhere), but I am now the proud owner of 2 Flickr accounts and all the lovely photos that come with them.

Now what the hell am I going to do with 2 Flickr accounts?!

Quote of the day

2006-08-22T13:15:00.000-07:00

"If mankind minus one were of one opinion, then mankind is no more justified in silencing the one than the one - if he had the power - would be justified in silencing mankind."

- John Stuart Mill

Coke and a smile

2006-08-13T15:55:00.000-07:00

So I have come to accept the fact that I am not a "natural born blogger," and as a result have stopped worrying about the weeks and weeks that go by without any communication to my multitude of fans. This space may remain devoid of any new posts for weeks at a time (or months), and you are all just going to have to live with that (along with the sub-par writing when I do post).

This is no longer a task on my long list of things to do and as such will probably become a lot easier to think about.

Thank you for your patience and utter silence.

Jefe

2006-08-13T14:28:00.000-07:00

1957-2006
He was a geek and a nerd,
an uncle and a husband,
he had a scruffy beard
and a voice for radio.
He lived and was loved.

Goodbye Uncle Kelly.

I guess Thomas Wolfe was right...

2006-06-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid of about 8 or 9 my family and I went to visit my Great-Aunt in Greenfield Indiana. She was living on a plot of land that was more than a 100 acres, and in a house that was more than a 100 years old. Aunt Martha herself was only in her seventies at the time but she still was very spry and made some of the best meals I have had to date. My brother and I went wild in that much space. He cut his leg, chased me mercilessly, and kept me from kicking Aunt Martha in the head (I wasn't trying to), I cooked a hot dog over a bonfire, sang Whitney Housten, and fell in love with beets. Over those few days we were there the two of us just got another link in the chain that binds us (ugh...I'm sorry) and nearly forgot about there not being any TV or indoor plumbing.

Martha left us several short years later and the house was rented out.

Four days ago that old house was brought down in a heap of rubble lumber and scurrying termites. It only took twenty minutes. My uncle David decided to move back to Indiana from Florida and thought that it would be better and more comfertable to build an all new house on the family plot, that has since dwindled (but only slightly).

2006-06-19T10:13:00.000-07:00

Here are a couple of nice pictures I got at the Pumpkin Patch Gift Shop. Both were sitting next to a sign stating that "all idems marked at sale price" I don't know if that was supposed to be a joke or not...

Day Trippin'

2006-06-18T20:24:00.000-07:00

Today was a day of nostalgia and peace dear readers. Nostalgia, because I went to the Pumpkin Patch with grandmother (something I did quite often when younger), and peace for the same exact reason.

As our car slid off the bridge and onto the island I recalled all of the windy fall mornings years past when my brother and I would stare out the windows of a huge maroon Chevy Malibu at the huge field of orangey gourdy goodness. It wasn't the pumpkins that did it for us most times (well it wasn't just the pumpkins) it was the petting zoo, and hay rides, and candy apples and hot apple cider. It was seeing who was the bigger "man" by lugging the ugliest monstrosity of a pumpkin to the massive trunk of the car. Also, something I didn't find out until just recently, it was the smells, and tastes, and sounds, of all the action going on around us even though we had nothing to do with most of it, it was knowing that even though you were in the middle of a huge field filled with plants and animals and a barn, if you got tired or bored you could be home in a relatively little amount of time, hacking and slashing at the aforementioned monstrosity.

But, dear reader, don't misunderstand, Sauvies Island is filled with more memories than those of fall squash hunting. It's also filled with remembrances of summer and pints full of fresh picked raspberries, held by hands sticky with juices of the unfortunate fruits that didn't make it the 8 inches from vine to container. These were also grandma outings, where sometimes the older, wiser, cousin Teddy came along to help out and also eat his fill. There were fond memories for all who attended though when asked today my grandmother while holding the most unpleasant visage said, "Are you crazy?!" I guess I am.

Also there were new deposits in the bank today that of being told by the kind lady at the herb garden, after ringing up a bill over 20 dollars, that we could MAIL her a check. I didn't know what to say. We were dumbstruck (or awestruck). I looked around for the hidden cameras. We payed for our herbs and silently walked out...we were speechless, and worried for the poor ladies naivete.

That being the last stop on our journey we made the trek towards home. As we climbed back onto the bridge to the mainland, and got on the freeway I brushed the fog of memory from my face and filed the new ones away.

2006-06-11T16:55:00.000-07:00

I guess around the same time I was getting beat on the soccer field I was also getting the crap kicked out of me by my wardrobe.

Why do I do this to myself?

GOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!!!!

2006-06-11T16:09:00.000-07:00

Well, it's that time again, World Cup mania has struck. The obligatory heart-string plucking commercials, the hooligans in full force no matter what sports bar you come to, the co-workers coming close to blows over whether Ecuador is going to come out on top this time (yeah right). Now since I spent a good deal of my adolescence on several poorly maintained pitches, with their crooked chalk lines and un-sober referees, I feel like I should care about this "game of the world" (and if it should be called soccer or football). I don't. Don't get me wrong I have several great memories about those extremely green fields and the feeling I got when my foot was able to touch the ball amid several other screaming kids and their hopelessly insane parents. Granted my father was my coach which pretty much ruined me for competitive sports from then on. I still feel good about a large portion of that time of my life. So why don't I care about the pulled hammy of the goalie from Poland? My life is just a little full right now. School, Beauty, Work, Bills, all have a little higher priority right now. So, while I still grin whenever I hold a Soccer (I'm American) ball, it's going to have to take a backseat for right now.

Besides, the Red Sox are playing.

Lists

2006-06-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

I've been noticing a trend in a lot of the blogs that I've been reading: lists. So, as always, I will jump on the band-wagon, not because I like to be in the in-crowd, just because I have a fondness for wagons.

I think it's the wooden wheels.

List #1 (a list of lists...isn't that ironic)

When my brother and I were kids we made a list of words that we thought sounded funny if pronounced how they were spelled, here in it's entirety (I think) is that list.

1. Fajita
2. Lozenges
3. College
4. Quesadilla
5. Marijuana (You'd have to know my dad)

List #2

Here is a list of friends that have disappeared over the course of my life. So if you are one of these people get in touch.

1. Brian Minglekogh (not sure if that's spelled correctly, though to be honest he wasn't sure half the time either)
2. Labre Reed
3. Brian King
4. Andrew Reynolds
5. Michelle Butler
(addendum)
6. Jon and Mary-anne Gates those fine offspring of Dan Gates.

List #3

This is the short list of my Karaoke repertoire, to be honest I will sing anything, but I won't guarantee quality with any but these.

1. Frank Sinatra - My Way
2. Tom Petty - Mary Jane's Last Dance
3. Johnny Cash - Boy Named Sue
4. Al Green - Let's Stay Together
5. Harry Belafonte - The Banana Boat Song

There you go, a list of lists. Enjoy.

2006-05-31T12:54:00.000-07:00

Warning: This plastic indian playset is not for those with HUGE heads.

STORYTIME....YAY!!

2006-05-29T14:52:00.000-07:00

Welcome dear reader, it's story-time, or short story-time as the case may be. I've been waiting to tell this little gem to all of you, until we reached the right moment in our relationship (or until I just ran out of things to say). So, here goes.

About a week ago I was hanging out with some friends in our local elementary school turned bar. As I was waiting to get a coveted spot in the men's bathroom line, a guy walked out with the look and swagger of a male model. He was shortly joined by, whom I would assume to be, his girlfriend. I say assume though I hope it was obvious, for when said girl (let's call her Barbie...it'll save me from describing her) reached said boy, our hero of this story wound up his arm like he was playing air guitar, and laid a resounding SMACK on Barbies butt(nice alliteration huh?), as if to say [grunt]. Shortly after this display of (cave)manliness, the boy trips on the carpet he had been walking on with relative ease before his manuever. Now the couple didn't go down, or fall, however you want to put it, but what might even be more tragic is that I was the only one that laughed at this display. Maybe I am a simple creature that delights in the clumsiness of others, maybe they were all saving their karma for their next trippy moment, or maybe they were all just in awe of our hero's class.

Moral of the story: Don't date girls named Barbie...or Buffy.

The one in which I regress

2006-05-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was kind of a big day for me. On top of all the other normal and mundane things I do day in and day out I also did a few things I haven't done in several years.

First, I bought a bike. I'm not sure what provoked me seeing as I haven't owned a bike since the age of 13, but the man selling the bike was very insistent that I at least give the Schwinn a little test-drive. So I climbed on the slightly uncomfortable seat and kicked off. I had forgotten how fun it was to just ride, going fast or slow and feeling the wind on your face as you work the pedals at your own speed. Without realizing it I was swerving back and forth, just like I did when I was younger, and had a broad expanse of street before me. I did a small loop and came back and paid for the bike right there. Even rode it home.

Second, and perhaps more shocking, I went to the library. This I haven't done since at least high school, and even then I'm not sure I went often. Now I am a great lover of books don't get me wrong. I read one every chance I get (almost), it's just that I've been buying a lot recently, and have had no shortage of reading material. So when it came time to start a new one, and I found that I was fresh out, I decided that maybe I should give the free books a shot. Every time I step into a library I'm brought back to the time in my childhood where I had a deep love of the building itself, not just the books. Everyone is different, sure, but each one has that same venerated feel, at least to me. That an entire building can be dedicated to the idea of joy in reading, and that you can partake in that joy for FREE! Anyway I just stand in the lobby of most libraries for a few seconds until the giddiness leaves me and the fog lifts from my eyes.

It has been too long.

"Someone's got a case of the [Wednesdays]"

2006-05-24T22:29:00.000-07:00

I've just recently noticed something, I dislike Wednesdays. I was going to say hate but that seemed a little strong, seeing as I have no concrete reason for my distaste. Although, here are some of my less solid reasons:

1. It's the apex - Being the exact middle of the week doesn't put it on either side of my feelings for the weekdays (mon.-tues. : lets just get these over with, thurs.-fri. : weekends almost here. yay, sat.-sun. : Yay!)

2. Work - I'm not sure why, but this day seems to require more work out of me than any of the others. On average.

3. Something missing - This one is just a recent addition, and I'm not even sure what the something is, but I can feel it all day, kind of tickling at my memory without making me fully remember. So whatever it is, it's cunning.

And lastly...
4. Wednesday is just harder to spell - 'nuff said.

Good Morning!

2006-05-24T10:42:00.000-07:00

I just love the small hours of the morning, birds chirping, crisp clean air, not quite light enough to see your messy lawn but definitely bright enough to see the heavily armored SWAT vehicle parked near the hole-that-used-to-be-a-house.

Yes, this morning I woke to the sound of a bull horn loudly proclaiming itself to be the Portland Police, and also that it had a search warrant for one of my neighbors homes. The bull horn repeated itself several times throughout the hour and never once became hoarse.

Now me being the curious person I am opened a small window to see if I could get a better look.

"CLOSE YOUR WINDOW TURN OFF ANY LIGHTS AND STAY INSIDE TILL NOTIFIED"

That came from the several heavily armed men in my backyard, all wearing camouflage

and flak jackets, gas masks tied neatly at thier belts. So as I got ready for work and ate a light breakfast (in the dark) I heard several loud [pops], that I would assume to be the gas launchers. and it sounded like a k-9 unit was out there as well.

As I wasn't able to leave the house I became late too work which I never like but, in this case, was necessary. Telling my boss the story I felt a little silly, because even though the story was true I don't think he believed me (I wouldn't have).

All in all a pretty unpleasant (but exciting) morning, but I guess it was better than at least one other persons in my neighborhood.

Just a little something

2006-05-21T22:17:00.000-07:00

Today was a busy day, but also a little personal. So, as I can't tell you what I did (unless you ask really nicely), I will give you this phrase I heard today which I thought was pretty nice, and something I'd like to feel more of.

"The milk of human kindness"

I guess this is supposed to be a well known saying, but I have never heard it before. Also I'm not sure if said milk is raw or not, so...

Inspiration comes standard

2006-05-21T21:58:00.000-07:00

Okay so the line that preceeded my last post was a fabrication...here's something original

Fever Dream

I've seen a row of Brownstone smiles
No grace apparent, all quality squandered
Windows shut, dead-bolts locked
Too much shade, not enough warmth

I've seen a row of Brownstone smiles
In my dreams, when I wake
While I walk, if I run
In joy, and pain

I've seen a row of Brownstone smiles
I've seen those that walk in, I've seen those that crawl out
I've seen those that were curious, I've seen those that were killed
I've watched, I've listened

I've seen a row of Brownstone smiles
and wanted more
and needed more
and found more

@}->--

2006-05-21T18:42:00.000-07:00

I felt poetic today (not sure why), but not exactly poetic enough to write anything original so I just copy and pasted my blog from myspace over here hope you like it:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It Is

To play in pain is to smile at the world
I can't stop caring when I see somone cry
A comforting arm and a gentle smile
"What can be so bad?"
Laugh when you see what you have
And shrug when you see what you don't

Her lines and mine

You smile at me and create my pain
I look at you and it slowly builds
The curve of your hip
The turn of your lip

All things I need but do not ask for
I want to wander in your dimples
And sing forever about the color of your eyes

Help me forget you and I will thank you forever.

Blinking to Forget

I made a decision today, and it halted my thoughts, I ran from the silence,
to see if I could.

I haven't smiled in three days and I don't know why.

Why do I have to shake when I think of her, and sleep when I don't

"Live for you, and you alone."
Someone told me that long ago.

Easier said than done.

Untitled

Change in the weather
and a change in the wind

Changes mean nothing
if you let no one in

Bring out your heart and let it see light
Or don't if you want (whatever feels right)

Let people know you're there
So you can find out who cares

And never die
without living.

Truths

I am loved
I am lonely
I have time
I am always late

I practice smiling in the mirror
I am slowly going deaf
I care for old people and dogs
I am slightly uncomfertable around children

I tried to end my life
I did not suceed because of ice cream
I have more scars than those showing on my skin
I bring shame to myself without trying

I wrote this for you
I wrote this for me
I write because I can
I write just to see

Lies

I am innocent
I am kind
I am smart
I can sing

I can keep a secret
I can tell a lie
I blame everyone
I cannot blame myself

The holidays are great they make me happy
My plan is in place I know what I am doing
I care for all people and believe in true love
Smiling is easy Crying is hard

Do not talk to strangers new friends are overrated
Do not smile at people you look better when you're sad
Do not talk to me I don't like conversations
Do not judge me for I do not judge you

The smile grows.

Through the easy times with their sunshine blades of grass and warm-all-over cheese biscuits
I walked with him and her even when I was alone
They never stopped me from my little sins and sneaks
I grew unfettered and happy
With wild hair and an earthy smell

Then came the dark days when I would shout at the sky and expect an answer
I would listen to pain being hurled to and fro
The grip on my past was slipping and the cold came to replace it
I cared for little except quiet and darkness
And my teeth hid from the world

Now I can see the silver heat shimmer on the edge of the valley, and I know friends are with me
I look and see all time, both future and past, and it does not frighten me, except for the good
I can laugh loudly and well
I am able to bear others happiness, and my own
I look and I grin, I close my eyes and I smile.

Thank You

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Comment on any all or none, thanks for reading and putting up with just a little bit of emotion.

Up and Up and Up and...Down

2006-05-17T13:28:00.000-07:00

I climbed a tree for the first time, since I was 8, today. I can't give you a good reason why other than:

"It seemed like a good idea at the time."

I just walked up to the tree, a massive bulk of an oak, dropped my bag, placed my hand on one limb and my foot on another and just started climbing. Now I was careful at first, making sure I had good footing before finding another hand-hold and making sure my grip was ok before I moved my feet. Then I got confident and just really started moving. I climbed past a small nest of twigs and random bits of refuse, it's occupants momentarily stunned by there new neighbor. I climbed past a squirrel who watched me warily and sent messages to all his squirrel buddies through twitches in his tail:

"Beware the pasty giant in our midst, he wears Old Navy cargo pants and has a slightly deranged look in his eye."

I got to the highest branch that I thought was safe and looked out on my surroundings. Everything was smaller, not tiny just slightly shrunk. It all seemed so peaceful and calm even the houses had smiles. The traffic had stopped for on perfect moment to show me just how quiet things could get. Then the moment passed and I decided that I couldn't stay in the tree all day, not because I had to work, but because the instant had passed, been observed, and remembered. That was as far as I could go with it.

So I began to climb down, the squirrel stopped twitching his alarm, the birds came out of their stupor and flew away to sully a newly waxed Mercedes and I left in peace. But before I reached the ground, I reminded myself how clumsy I am by falling the last 4 feet or so out of the tree and onto the ground. With the impact a thought came to me in a moment of clarity, I stood up brushed myself off and walked toward home.

Boy that was stupid.

The day after...

2006-05-16T13:41:00.000-07:00

So as I couldn't think of anything worth mention that happened today to write about I have decided to take a walk in the past. To Sunday, it was Mother's Day and I had a lot planned, though not because I am a mother, I just know a lot of them.

To start off we, my close family, went to a nice restaurant in SE called the Berlin Inn. There, my mom got what she wanted, attention lavished on her, and I also got what I wanted, a Maltz Bier which is a wonderfully warm(ish), full-bodied root beer. I also got some face time with the coolest person I have ever met, Aiden, my nephew(see below for picture). Though he doesn't say much he is probably the only O'Reilly that can pull off the bald look. That is a fact.

After breakfast, I traveled south to the small town that is going to be my home for 3 (or more) years starting this September. Corvallis Oregon, it's a lovely little town with a real laid back feel and I think there's a college there...or something. There was a Kart race going on in the campus streets so it was quite an adventure even to cross the roads. Those things are fast. Apparently so is my mom, when being chased by a kart.

When we were finally back at home I washed the car, which made for an interesting exercise in the heat of midday. I had to wash only a portion of the car at a time, a small portion, because the water and suds were drying before I could wash them off. I think that is the fastest I have ever wahed a full set of tires. It might even be a record...

Call Guinness!

2006-05-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

My nephew, don't worry it's not permanent
Me in Seattle...duh

Poetry in motion, but not really

2006-05-15T13:49:00.000-07:00

Stretch
A few rapid steps
A short burst of pure fury
And the moment ends with several fluid moments of grace on currents unseen....
Or the disc hits a tree and drops with a cloud of brown dust

This happened several times today, both the flight and the . Whether in a field of brilliant green or in the shadow of trees scarred by lesser players(me). I marveled at the joy received from the sun, the shade, the walk, greeting strangers along the path with a nod or a quiet
"morning", but the most joy came when I was able to hurl a round piece of plastic a few hundred feet at a steel basket then pick it up and start all over again.

Most days in the park I'm very vocal, either yelling at my disc:

"come left...more...moooore...now STOP!"
"stop rolling"
"Oh yeah just hit all the trees why not..."

Or cheering when I make a 25 foot put (it's happened, once). Today though I was silent the whole time, all 18 holes, and if pressed I could not tell you why. I would like to think it was because I did not want to spoil the pristine serenity of the park, but it was probably because I couldn't find words to describe how well(poorly) I was playing.

I was sweaty, I was dirty, there were bugs all over the place, but for that 2 hours I was completely at peace. I have a feeling it's going to blend into the rest of the day, it has so far.

What does that even mean?

2006-05-12T22:40:00.000-07:00

"You tell stories like a high school cheerleader."

I am an easily distracted reader, I'll admit it, the problem gets worse with the quality of book I'm trying to read. I'll have no problem following along with a sharp an insightful narrative, but I imagine if ever found myself reading a trashy romance novel, (highly unlikely) I would easily become enthralled by dust motes. I'm not sure why but most times when I read I need almost absolute silence, which makes it very difficult to read on the bus on a Friday night. Tonight was no exception.

About 10 minutes into reading a couple of guys get on the bus and start (or I guess continue) speaking very loudly, while normally this isn't a huge problem it was with these guys because they had almost perfect enunciation, so I didn't even have to try to understand their mumblings, like I do with most annoyingly loud people. It's not that I'm interested in what they have to say to each other, it's just that I can't focus with them telling each other about all the features of their new "sneaks". So there I sat staring at the same page for 45 min. because I couldn't focus enough to finish it.

But then I got to thinking...
"...like a high school cheerleader?!"

Okay, five questions:

2006-05-11T09:30:00.000-07:00

1. If you could never drink beer again, what would you drink instead and/or how would you recover?

Recover? That sounds like I need a 12-step, If I could never drink beer again I would probably just drink iced tea or whatever was available. I don't think I would need to recover though I'd still be the same person, just a little less obnoxious at parties (but only a little).

2. Wallace or Gromit?

Gromit definitely, I like the strong silent type...and besides how can you not love those ears.

3. All-time #1 top road trip destination, real or imagined?

Boston, I've always wanted to see a Red Sox game live and at Fenway , plus New England is supposed to be really beautiful and laid back, two things that are essential for a vacation/road trip. Though I think that if I was with several or a single good friend on a road trip it wouldn't matter where we were going.

4. Fictional character you would trade places with?

When I was a kid the character I would have loved to be was Davy from a book called Jumper , (You'll have to read the book to find out why). Now I think the question should be a little harder to answer, maybe Brantley Foster from the movie The Secret of my Success . That sounds very cheesy, but the guy has it all.

5. Worst movie you've ever seen?

I've seen a lot of terrible movies and tried to forget all of them, most recently though is probably Gothika or Cold Creek Manor, now I'm positive that there are worse movies, but I try to stay away from the obscenely bad movies, like King of the Ants or Slither.

Wanna be interviewed? Here are the rules:

1. Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2. I will respond, and ask you five questions.
3. You'll update your journal with my five questions and your answers.
4. You'll include this explanation.
5. You'll ask people five questions when they want to be interviewed.

Hello Everyone...or just Jess

2006-05-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

So for a first post this is probably going to be a little short, seeing as I'm not really sure of what to write about (this is me rambling). I have come to blogging a little late and very hesitantly, simply because I never know what voice to use while on-line. Do I use the playful and giddy one to make people think I'm never serious and dramatic. Do I use the factually compliant one, and show of all the useless trivial knowledge I file away daily (thus boring everyone to tears). Or do I just invent a character to do all of my talking (blogging) for me.

You know what? It looks like I'm thinking way to much into this...